So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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