; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
