ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
