don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
