Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
