I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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