I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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