You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize