I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize