Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
