What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
