dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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