I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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