I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
