Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
