a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
