Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
