he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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