Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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