The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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