does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
