My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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