So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
