i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
