i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
