I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
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She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize