you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
