never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
