im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
