I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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