Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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