All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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