Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
