you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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