last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fuck me I smell like cheese
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize