just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
