MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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