i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
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quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
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Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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