Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
