She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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