Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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