i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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