I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
COCAINE IS GR8
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
