party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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