Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
