im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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