I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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