when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
