So drunk its hurt
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
