I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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