I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
