Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
