I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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