awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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