My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
